11/17/2013
"Five Wooden Buttons"
"Five wooden buttons", hand made out of a branch of Manzanita wood, a wood that comes from a beautiful bush that is protected in California. Beautiful dark reddish wood with a blond streak running through it. A very hard wood, but as you polish, it presents such a glow that comes from deep inside.
"Five wooden buttons", hand made my me. Each one cut from a branch I found in the woods above my trailer. Similar in size. They all began the same way, bark cut off, stroked and sanded carefully with different grades of sand paper until the finish was satin smooth. Hours of work, fingers worn raw.
Then holes to drill. A button must have holes. Maybe not 4, as it seems an overkill. Two would be just fine, just simple, just perfect to hold the thread that is pulled through it many times in order to hold it in place on a beautiful hand made lilac sweater.
"Five wooden buttons", each given my full attention, the stroke of my fingers for hours, and the anticipation of what would she say when I gave her the sweater, adorned with the Five wooden buttons, each individually sewn on, one by one.
"Five wooden buttons". Twenty years ago, they were given to her, wrapped in such love. Received with a smile and then......never seen again.
"Five wooden buttons" appeared today, November 17, 2013. As I was going through the boxes of "things" belonging to mom. So many things left behind. I have the job of the long ordeal of sorting, keeping, discarding my mother's belongings and personal effects. Those "Five wooden buttons" appeared.
I have casually looked for them, over the years, when mom and I would go out to shop, go to doctors appointments, take a drive to see the beautiful autumn leaves. They were never seen again until...
Today, opening up boxes, little boxes. Boxes with a beautiful satin covering, old wooden boxes, colorful tin boxes, beautiful ceramic boxes. My mother loved boxes of all kinds. Then.....there was this little rust colored velvet box, 3x3x3 inches with a beautiful little gathering of gold beads on top making a small design. As I opened it, there they were the "Five wooden buttons" all with thread through their holes. They were no longer connected to that beautiful lilac sweater. The thread was the thread I sewed them on with but they all had been cut off the sweather.
There they were, all five. They seemed to be hiding or tucked away, or forgotten where they had been placed or hidden. Still shiny, still beautiful red Manazanita wood. There was a hush in my heart. A silence in the empty room I was in. I could hear the wind outside. Here they were, living in this little velvet box, cut off and hidden away. Why? I don't know.
What I do know is that I was not the girl my mom wanted to have. She had two children, myself and my brother. I was a little freckle faced, redheaded, pudgy tom boy. Mom and I were very different people. Over the years she struggled to make me look nice, making my clothes, perming my hair, making me wear a bra, pretty dresses and wear lipstick, etc. But to no avail. I was just a tomboy, a girl who loved working with her dad, getting dirty, going fishing, etc.
I have seen, over the many years, gifts I have given mom, put in a box for Salvation Army, given back to me, not remembering I had made it for her. My gifts to mom disappeared, worn once for me to see or just hidden away, never used. I tried to be the daughter she wanted me to be. Mom had high expectations for me, which I never met. I have led a financially comfortable life, having wild and wonderful adventures. But.....not the daughter she "expected".
Finding those "Five wooden buttons" spoke loud and clear to me. The final word, the final seal on the suspicions I have lived in my heart for years and were confirmed when I opened that little box and found those "Five wooden buttons".
"Five wooden buttons". They are still resting comfortably in that little velvet box on a shelf in my room. A sad note at the end of my mother's life that she never intended me to find.
"Five wooden buttons", what else is there to say except....."Mom I miss you and love you".
Mom passed away March 30th, 2013 3:01 am, in my home with me by her side, holding her hand, feeling her fainting pulse. Trying to do what a daughter should do.
