KEEPIN' FROM SQUEELIN'

These last two years has been such a review of my life and who I am.  Tested to the limits at times. I know that some of the ways I try and grit my teeth is to speak out. I am really working on some things this past 9 months. Realization that the expectations we have about our lives will be as we grow older, what our relationships will be, how good we will feel physically, how our relationship with our siblings will be, what we envision our "family" unit to look like​, how our kids will be living their lives etc.  Sometimes I feel like one of those little pigs that when you pick it up, it squeals because that is all it can do. A few, my role models, are so tough, so strong and have pushed through and are continuing to push through some real crap like their husband's state of health and their daughter's continued struggles with drugs etc. I am working on not "squealing", just sittin' on it. I have these moments when I just want to take command, head into the crap, knowing I am short on ammo and somehow come out with the music playing and people cheering, like in the movies - come out with answers to my questions of "why", "tell me what I did wrong", "talk to me so I know what to fix", "just tell me the truth so I will go away, at least with a response."  I think what I have missed is that little box to shove all this crap, all these unanswered questions and push on, go around the sewage pit, don't look back, and somehow, .........somehow........just make that box out of iron with a giant padlock and never open it again. Boy, can you tell I am goofy this morning.  I guess this is all to say, I wish I was as strong as some others appear to be.  I am closing the lid of that box and won't open it again to anyone.  Head up, chin high, right foot in front of left, get on my mule and just ride. Okay, done.......It's 6:00am and just got up to check on my hubby, who is recovering from knee replacement surgery and give him his meds.  Getting more sleep but not enough yet. If I had chickens to feed, I would feel more useful at this hour since I have been awake since 4am.  Eggs to collect, chicken crap to step in.  Grandma Lucas would have  be in the kitchen by now, have cooked a good breakfast for grandpa and her boys.    Oh well, I hear my hubby's CPAP squealing, dogs have been out to pee and back in, coffee in hand, comforter on my feet and laptop on my lap emailing my buddy, my cousin who is my role model.