A Passing

March 23, 2012

Well greetings to all.  I haven't written in awhile as life on the ranch has been busy.  We had a very hot summer - even the old locals couldn't remember one so hot for so long.  Most of the farmers in our area lost their corn crops to the heat, their soy bean crops and their second hay crops.  We were lucky, we got a second cutting but it was half the production of what it should have been.  Then we sweated out not having enough hay for winter.  We had sold all of our 2011 hay and all of our first cutting hay (130 round bales) thinking we would have an average summer and would get a decent second cutting and maybe a third cutting if we got some rain.  Not a chance.  

My vegetable garden and everyone else's were terrible.  My tomatoes had buds and grew tall but didn't produce any fruit until late September.  I grew some Spaghetti Squash which turned out okay.  My green peppers (they call them Mangos out here) produced late and very few.  Everything else just didn't produce.  Even with watering them, it was to hot.  

So I was canning a few tomatoes in October and made some bread and butter pickles from some pickling cucumbers that the neighbors shared with me.  That was all the canning I did last season.  

Now, this year, I was hoping for a great garden and had lots of plans.  But life intervenes and I am in Arizona staying with my dad.  One month ago, my step mom got real ill and dad got her to the hospital.  She had a major heart attack and they put a stint in her artery which is 96% blocked but so were the other veins and they couldn't open them and she had 2 more heart attacks and flat lined twice a day later.  So I started driving which took me 1 1/2 days.  Meanwhile my dad called my step mom's daughter and that part of the family started making plans to come out from New York.  I arrived at noon on Thursday and the rest of the family arrived at 4:30pm.  Mom was coherent and aware of us all being there but couldn't talk as she had a ventilator.  Basically they were keeping her alive with all the tubes and things.  

This was the first time I have ever seen someone pass.  She was fading and unable to live without all the tubes, her kidneys were shutting down, her liver was almost shut down and she couldn't breath without the ventilator and it was beginning not to be able to help her.  She was so angry that she was reduced to machines and dad couldn't find the "Living Will".  But once her daughter got there and we all talked with the doctor and they had to make a decision.  While the family was in all talking and trying to go through that horrible process of letting mom go, I was with her.  I was holding on to her hand.  She was able to communicate by squeezes with her hand and her head could move a little.  I asked her if she had heard what the doctor had told us and she confirmed that she had.  I asked her if she was ready to go and she nodded her head as strong as she could up and down and squeezed my hand over and over and over again.  

I had those last moments with her and thanked her for being a "mom" to me when I needed one.  I don't get along very well with my mom as we are very different and I could never talk to her but I could always talk to my step mom.  She squeezed my hand softly as I spoke to her acknowledging my words.  

The family came back in and the decision was made to unhook everything.  They gave mom a very strong dose of morphine as she was in tremendous pain without it.  The family could not stay and watch.  My dad stayed to be with the love of his life and I stayed with my dad.  We both watched as life left mom.  Her breathing slowed, her heart rate slowed and then she gasped a few times but really not taking in any air.  The nurse says it is an automatic response.  She quieted and her breathing was so shallow and her heart rate slowed and then stopped.  

She was still warm, she looked so at peace but her mouth was open.  My dad left to go tell the family and I rolled up a towel, placed it under her chin to prop her mouth closed.  She was a proud lady who never let anyone see her without her teeth.  I closed her eyes and touched her cheek.  I kissed her on her forehead.  She was so warm.  I could feel her spirit.  

She was at peace.   Later as we left the hospital and were getting into the car, her dog, Touche', had been in the car most of the afternoon.  When we opened the car door, Touche' walked to the edge of the seat where the door was wide open, stood there and she gazed for a long time up into the air.  We just stood there, quiet, and watched her as she gazed upward.  Then after a minute or so, she turned around and went back further into the car and laid on mom's throw.  I truly believe she was watching mom's spirit ascend into the heavens.  

A loss of someone I will miss and look forward to seeing again when I go to the great barn in the sky.  Now I am with dad, he is unsteady on his feet, can't see very well and can't hear very well but has the spirit of a good old horse who won't quit.  My brother and I both spoke to dad as gently as we could to tell him he can't drive any more.  He has accepted that and been so good.  

Meanwhile everyone departed for their various homes except me.  I am committed to stay with dad and take care of him, helping him as best I can in his grieving process, help him to relocate.  That commitment may take, I fear, most of this year.  But my dad raised me and stuck beside me in all my crazy ideas.  I was his wild child.  Never in any trouble but always doing crazy wonderful things.  If it takes that long, so what.  He is my dad and I am here.  

I hope to go home to visit my husband and my little fur buddies and my horses and mules soon, and then return.  Life sure is unpredictable.  I could have bet that my dad would be the one to go first.  But here we are.  I am so grateful to have a wonderful, jolly, happy, loving dad.