We all approach this point when we start losing friends and family. I have never given it much thought, accepting that it will be full of tears, sadness, reflecting moments and full of work. Taking care of the father or mother that is left behind or going through and getting rid of the evidence of a long life - THINGS, things, things..... would be the "work". I "always" thought I was prepared for the trials and tribulations of raising a child or losing loved ones. I always accepted that I would just have to figure it out, create solutions, and move on. Never did I figure on what the side shows of those challenges would be."ACCEPTING THE LAST CHAPTERS"
The side shows of "Last Chapters" in my life has been more than challenging. I am tough gal, still riding my mule, still able to take long trips with truck and trailer, endure mechanical breakdowns, troubled horses or mules, bad weather, unplanned monetary debt etc. But the challenges of your parents, who live long lives, are nothing short of a "mountain to climb and then a slide down without falling or losing skin off your butt".
In the last year and a half I have lost my Step Mom, my Mom, almost lost my Dad 3 times, taking on the care of my Step-dad, losing a, once loving relationship with my brother who turned out to be my enemy, lost 2 of my mule riding buddies and my black lab - Lucky.
"Accepting Last Chapters" means just that - it means "accepting" when you haven't planned on it. We think we know how the "last chapters" will go.......they don't! My mother developed Dementia and we later learned, suffered many strokes over the last years which created her Dementia. Our relationship, which has been a challenge for me over the years, became so much more difficult with her becoming recluse, becoming more critical of me and openly adoring my brother, her youngest. I interrupted my life to take mom on shopping trips, doctor's apts., daily phone calls, shopping for her and making sure she and my step dad were okay and comfortable. My brother, her baby son, called once a month and visited once every two or three months while living just 15 miles away. She opening adored him and throughout her illness, worshiped his every visit, word or gesture. She loved him so.
Last January Mom suffered her first of two strokes. I immediately took up residence in the hospital with her, while going back and forth to take care of my 91 yr old step dad, cleaning their home, doing laundry and shopping, taking step dad to dr's appts and then back to mom. I was received at the hospital, when she was conscious, with little regard. But the twice a week 2 hr visit from my brother was received with open arms and smiles when she was conscious.
It was a daily reminder that our relationship was always a "work in progress". Mom and I were very different people. And that difference was accentuated by the changes as result of her many small, undiscovered, strokes over the years. In her last week of life, I brought her home to my home. , We redecorated the large bedroom, brought in a hospital bed for mom, moved step dad into the room to be with mom in her last days or moments. We knew she didn't have much time.
I stayed in a chair beside mom's bed for 6 days, with only brief times away. I held her wrist on her last night of life, feeling her fading heartbeat, resting my head next to her and listening to her breathing. Waiting, waiting, waiting for her departure. And knowing she would miss her son but not sure she would miss me. Oh Mom and I had some good times, laughter, talks etc but that was years ago and we both worked on being mother and daughter with little bits of progress - more acceptance than progress.
The "Accepting..." I speak about is accepting the fact that your mom, at the end of her life still did not accept who you are, what you have done, your mistakes and successes. To say goodbye wondering if you mom really loved you or just was forced to say it and accept you because she gave you life.
Was the doubt in my mind the result of being so close to mom over the years and not seeing the "forest for the trees" with small strokes being the culprits of change? How do you factor that in? How do you sort out what was really in her heart and what was forgotten as a result of the stroke/Dementia? Was there a "deep down" love for her daughter as she approached life with lots of adventures, some of which was not approved by mom? I was her "wild child". To look at mom's urn, so beautiful, and wonder where she is, if she really loved me, if she knew how hard I tried to make her comfortable and at peace. I didn't know about this part of the "...Last Chapter." I didn't know I would be doubting my mother's love for me. Or just be sad that she, as a result of her illness/strokes/Dimentia would forget her love for me. It isn't fair, is it? Did she forget? I think so. But maybe I should be just grateful she had it at one time, that she did give birth to me and loved me until she was ill.
Maybe that is what "Accepting Last Chapters" means.
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